It feels pretty good. Knowing that I never intentionally wronged anyone helps me maintain that inner peace. I take pride in knowing I'm not a thief, a liar, a backstabber. Doing good by others and doing good for them makes me feel good and keep a clear conscious. Am I 100% innocent of never saying a bad thing about someone or venting my frustrations? Innocent from going crazy or saying some hurtful things? Hell no, not even close. But a friend is a friend. Once I label someone as a friend, I'm there for them to the very end. Plain and simple. It feels good.
I keep a wall up, tho. For good reason, apparently. Not many penetrate that wall, but some manage to break it down and find themselves a nice, warm little place in my heart and once that happens, they are given that label and I'd do pretty much anything for them.
Come to find out, I've let a few of the wrong ones in.
I was approached by someone who asked to remain anonymous and that wish will absolutely be honored. I was told about the screenshots of the conversations between some of the ones I considered friends. About the nasty things said about me. The things that friends don't say about one another. Names were given, but I didn't ask for many specifics. Because, to be honest, I don't care. I just don't. I'm tired. I can't keep up with the drama anymore. I don't want to. I'm choosing to maintain my inner peace. Given the things I've been told by people here, the information I was given doesn't surprise me at all. Can I without a doubt believe this person? No. But the seed of doubt has been planted, and that's all it takes. I'm human. I have flaws, lots of them. I have feelings and I have insecurities. I have no desire to keep up with it anymore, so I'm washing my hands of it all. I have the impeccable ability of flipping that switch, and it's been flipped. Perfect timing.
Gat damn it feels good to let go!
Sunday, August 18, 2013
Thursday, August 15, 2013
Let's Change Things Up A Bit
While the majority of my posts (okay, so maybe all of them) have been about me ranting and venting about shit that pisses me off, this post is going to be much lighter, happier and positive. I'm in a good place mentally, and I feel like shouting that from the rooftops. Because let's be honest, that hasn't happened in a while.
First of all, I'd like to say that I completely own my mental illness. I am not ashamed of it one bit. Most of the time, when I'm in a good mental state of mind, I joke about it. Sometimes I joke that I should name my multiple personalities, because there are a few in there... haha. I know that it makes me do some crazy shit that I know I wouldn't do if I were mentally healthy. Sometimes, it makes me very, very angry at things that really shouldn't make someone mad. Sometimes I get so angry that I want to cause physical harm. 5 years ago I couldn't control that but now I'm proud to say I can. I just have to walk away. Other times, it allows me to let the shit roll right off my back. I honestly never who I will be from one day to the next. It's a toss of the coin and it has taken me years upon years to figure this all out.
Maybe one day I will name them. The name Cruella comes to mind..
**Anywho, today I am in a good place. I've had a good day, the weather was nice and my son had a great first day at school. I feel at peace with everything I've gotten off my chest the past several days. I don't regret my latest blog entry. I was able to rid myself of these pent up secrets that I didn't want to carry anymore. It caused drama elsewhere with others but it's no longer my problem. I said what I wanted and needed to say and now I am FREE. And that is what matters. My personal life and mental health is what I have to look out for and I do not apologize for that.
That leads me to the very good in my life, the people I love and the things that make me happy. I have some of the greatest friends and family in the world. The people that truly love me have shown amazing support and I am so grateful for them. I would name everyone but I'd feel terrible if I unintentionally left someone out, but those of you know who you are and you truly mean the world to me. Thank you. I mean that.
We have big changes coming soon and I am excited. The idea of being removed from the toxic environment I've been in for two and half years almost brings happy tears to my eyes. Moving will probably be the best therapy I could find. I'll miss the few friends I've made here but there's way to keep in touch.
After re-reading this I see it's kind of all over the place. But with my mind, could you expect anything different? =)
Sunday, August 11, 2013
If you're going to burn a few bridges, you might as well torch them.
I'm not even sure where to begin. I've been a military spouse for 2 years, and I've been at this base for the same amount of time. Not long, by any means, compared to how long others have been here, and lived this life. I've met, associated with and gotten to know a lot of women. They range in age from 20 to 45. Some wear their husband's ranks, but most of them do not. Some are quiet and reserved, others are like me and opinionated and loud and blunt. Some stay to themselves, some are social butterflies. As with any community where there's a lot of women, you're going to get several different personalities, most will clash but if you're lucky you'll meet some that you really click with.
That really hasn't happened with me. There's one wife, who luckily happens to be my neighbor, that I absolutely LOVE. Her name is Jennifer, she's never had a bad word to say about anyone, and I appreciate her so much. She's been there for me when no other spouse here has, and has talked to me when I needed someone. She is a true friend, and no matter where I go, I will never, ever forget her. That' the only name I'm going to mention in this blog entry. The rest of the names will be cover names, simply because I have no intention of causing drama. I'm getting a lot of negative energy out. I do not want to carry it anymore. I can't. It's toxic and I want to let it go.
Many, many people here are extremely two faced and back stabbing and I just don't understand that mentality. If you read the blog entry a few posts below about how I am and what I expect of friendships, you'll understand. That being said: I am ready to let go of this information I have, so here it goes. Here's to hoping the shit doesn't hot the fan.
Abbie*, you are probably the most two faced person I ever met at this base. When you would tell me about people's personal lives, their problems they were having in their marriage, that one spouse's husband cheats on her because she wouldn't have sex with him, I wondered why you were gossiping to me about people I didn't even know. I had JUST moved here. You made yourself look bad when Renee* walked up to us at the event and acted like you were best friends, and the moment she walked away you, of course, had something snooty to say about her. If you ever wondered why I stopped talking to you after that day, THAT was why. You would point at people and laugh at how fat they were, and act like an idiot. You just suck as a human being. Period.
Lauren*, you need to block Brenda* from your life. I don't know how close you both are, but she is spreading horrible rumors about you that your husband doesn't even love you. I don't know how many other people she has told this to, but it came up in random conversation one day, for no reason really, because we weren't even talking about you. She just decided to tell me because I guess she thought I'd want to know. Which I did not. Because it's not my business. Brenda* also likes to talk badly about people she's mad at.. I've heard more than I want to hear. She also has serious jealousy issues.
Carrie*. I like you A LOT. But Tracy* doesn't, even tho she acts like she does to your face, and that's why it's so hard to listen to the things she says about you. She's told me several times that you can't be trusted, you married your husband for money and you cheated on him when he was deployed. I don't believe her, but who knows how many other people she told that to.
Debby* there are a few people in on your shit. You act like you are perfect in group settings and nice to everyone but we know the moment you get behind closed doors you start running your cock sucker about everyone who is married to a lower ranking Airman. Watch your mouth, because it's going to get you in trouble.
Nancy*, you're a hard one to describe. You are horrible. You lie lie lie. You're a hypocrite. You tell me about how people do these horrible things that you'd NEVER do but you turn around and I'll be damned if you're not doing it. You talk badly about everyone you know. You message me on Facebook and start bashing someone that I thought you liked and I just can't listen to it anymore. It's draining.
Linda* and Penny*, .........I just don't know why you two are friends. Friends don't talk about each other the way you two do...
Marie* -sigh- YOU. You have a lot of people fooled. I remember when I came to your house and we sat in your kitchen and you laid it all out there within 5 minutes of me being there. How Rachel* was ghetto, weird, you didn't trust her, you were even afraid she'd take something from you. You couldn't stand Lizzy*, Marcy* was just "too weird for you to be around" but yet, since saying all this to me, I've watched you be buddy buddy with these women. Ever stop to think that YOU are problem?
And that leads me to Rachel*... you hurt me. I defended you. I stood up for you when everyone else said horrible things about you. I genuinely liked you, But you turned on me quick. I guess you and Marie* talked and decided I was too negative and you just ripped into me in a way that truly surprised me. But you did. and I dealt with it and you blocked me, which is fine. But you need to know that I was your ONLY friend in this neighborhood. And I mean that literally. You only thought you got along with everyone because you were too naive to see what people were saying. Your loss... because I did consider you a friend.
This isn't everything I've dealt with in the past two years, but I'm tired of typing. I feel better getting this all off my chest. Most of the people I wrote about aren't on my friends list, but some might still be (I won't disclose their identity to anyone). If you recognize yourself here, sorry. I was tired of holding in your bullshit.
That really hasn't happened with me. There's one wife, who luckily happens to be my neighbor, that I absolutely LOVE. Her name is Jennifer, she's never had a bad word to say about anyone, and I appreciate her so much. She's been there for me when no other spouse here has, and has talked to me when I needed someone. She is a true friend, and no matter where I go, I will never, ever forget her. That' the only name I'm going to mention in this blog entry. The rest of the names will be cover names, simply because I have no intention of causing drama. I'm getting a lot of negative energy out. I do not want to carry it anymore. I can't. It's toxic and I want to let it go.
Many, many people here are extremely two faced and back stabbing and I just don't understand that mentality. If you read the blog entry a few posts below about how I am and what I expect of friendships, you'll understand. That being said: I am ready to let go of this information I have, so here it goes. Here's to hoping the shit doesn't hot the fan.
Abbie*, you are probably the most two faced person I ever met at this base. When you would tell me about people's personal lives, their problems they were having in their marriage, that one spouse's husband cheats on her because she wouldn't have sex with him, I wondered why you were gossiping to me about people I didn't even know. I had JUST moved here. You made yourself look bad when Renee* walked up to us at the event and acted like you were best friends, and the moment she walked away you, of course, had something snooty to say about her. If you ever wondered why I stopped talking to you after that day, THAT was why. You would point at people and laugh at how fat they were, and act like an idiot. You just suck as a human being. Period.
Lauren*, you need to block Brenda* from your life. I don't know how close you both are, but she is spreading horrible rumors about you that your husband doesn't even love you. I don't know how many other people she has told this to, but it came up in random conversation one day, for no reason really, because we weren't even talking about you. She just decided to tell me because I guess she thought I'd want to know. Which I did not. Because it's not my business. Brenda* also likes to talk badly about people she's mad at.. I've heard more than I want to hear. She also has serious jealousy issues.
Carrie*. I like you A LOT. But Tracy* doesn't, even tho she acts like she does to your face, and that's why it's so hard to listen to the things she says about you. She's told me several times that you can't be trusted, you married your husband for money and you cheated on him when he was deployed. I don't believe her, but who knows how many other people she told that to.
Debby* there are a few people in on your shit. You act like you are perfect in group settings and nice to everyone but we know the moment you get behind closed doors you start running your cock sucker about everyone who is married to a lower ranking Airman. Watch your mouth, because it's going to get you in trouble.
Nancy*, you're a hard one to describe. You are horrible. You lie lie lie. You're a hypocrite. You tell me about how people do these horrible things that you'd NEVER do but you turn around and I'll be damned if you're not doing it. You talk badly about everyone you know. You message me on Facebook and start bashing someone that I thought you liked and I just can't listen to it anymore. It's draining.
Linda* and Penny*, .........I just don't know why you two are friends. Friends don't talk about each other the way you two do...
Marie* -sigh- YOU. You have a lot of people fooled. I remember when I came to your house and we sat in your kitchen and you laid it all out there within 5 minutes of me being there. How Rachel* was ghetto, weird, you didn't trust her, you were even afraid she'd take something from you. You couldn't stand Lizzy*, Marcy* was just "too weird for you to be around" but yet, since saying all this to me, I've watched you be buddy buddy with these women. Ever stop to think that YOU are problem?
And that leads me to Rachel*... you hurt me. I defended you. I stood up for you when everyone else said horrible things about you. I genuinely liked you, But you turned on me quick. I guess you and Marie* talked and decided I was too negative and you just ripped into me in a way that truly surprised me. But you did. and I dealt with it and you blocked me, which is fine. But you need to know that I was your ONLY friend in this neighborhood. And I mean that literally. You only thought you got along with everyone because you were too naive to see what people were saying. Your loss... because I did consider you a friend.
This isn't everything I've dealt with in the past two years, but I'm tired of typing. I feel better getting this all off my chest. Most of the people I wrote about aren't on my friends list, but some might still be (I won't disclose their identity to anyone). If you recognize yourself here, sorry. I was tired of holding in your bullshit.
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