-sigh-

Okay, so I know I've been pissy lately. My days have been nothing short of an emotional roller coaster the past several weeks and I am aware of this. I feel that I need to acknowledge these moods and kind of give you a run down of why I've been in a bad mood, in the off chance that I've offended anyone or made them mad.

The top reasons Kelly is a bitch right now.

 1. My son is gone! That's reason alone to be pissed off and hate the world, and I have to deal with this for another month. I'm just not me without him. I wake up to him, my day revolves around him, I go to bed after making sure he is safe another night. I tuck him in every single night. I watch as Cooper goes to his bed and jumps up to get a good night hug. I will NOT be okay until he is home. I do NOT apologize for that. Suck it if it annoys you.

 2. I have PCOS. My hormones are out of friggin WHACK dude. I have no idea if I want to hug you or Chuck Norris your face with my foot. I'm pretty unstable as far as my emotions go. I mean, I go an entire YEAR without having a period and then I bleed for 3 months straight. My iron levels are low, I'm dizzy, my boobs hurt constantly, I have zero energy, I have headaches all the time and I just want some muhhfuggin chocolate. Every day. OKAY?

 3. I am heavily medicated. Mainly due to reason number 2, but I also have anxiety. My heart dances in my chest and I have no idea if I'm normal or not, if I'm healthy or not, if I'm going to have a heart attack or not. I can't walk at a fast pace more than 15 feet because it feels like my chest will cave in. And I have no idea why. I'm a little freaked out. Reason numero uno for my anxiety.

 4. Without going too much into detail, I have to deal with a certain group of idiots on a daily basis. Those who know me well know the situation, but I swear if I have to see one more person say I should have dealt with things differently than I did I am going to go all Teresa Giudice and flip some tables. You have NOOO idea what I've been thru, where I came from or what I have had to do to get to where I am. It puts me in a bad mood when I have to deal with kids playing grown up, I don't need your ignorance on top of it.

 5. Last but not least, I'm HUMAN. I have bad days, I have bad moments, I need to get it off my chest and I'm alone a lot. *shrug* The only advice I have for you is if you don't like it, unfriend me. It's a simple solution to a non-issue. I'm sorry that our friendship wasn't strong enough for you to overlook my moment of weakness.

 Now where's my chocolate?

One of your faces has a smudge on it.

It's been a while since I've posted anything. So, naturally, I have a lot of things I'm pissed off about. =) But I'll begin with two-faced people.

Yeah, I seem to complain about this a lot. But it pisses me off and it's something that really bothers me. I'm not talking about venting about a friend or acquaintance here and there if they do something that annoys you. I do that, you do that, we all do that. Everyone needs a that outlet.

I'm talking about having nothing nice to say behind someone's back.. being downright hateful.. and then acting like you're their best friend to their face. When I witness you do this, you lose any credibility you had with me. Not that big of a deal to you, since I'm really of no importance in your life, but it's a big deal to me. I take friendship seriously. When I watch you slam someone behind their back and then smile at them, I know you're doing the same thing behind my back. I'm almost 30 years old. I don't have time in my life to deal with your stupid high school drama and I have no desire to listen to you dog someone I don't even know. Get the hell out of my face.

 I can't stress it enough.. I value friendships. I value the people in my life. I don't let many people in and there have been several who I tried to make friendships with that just didn't work out, for reasons of my wrong doing or theirs. But never, NEVER do I treat someone badly behind their back and then act friendly to their face. There usually is no question how I feel about someone. If there is, it's because I'm still iffy about you and at that point I keep plenty of distance between you and me until I know how I feel about you. Once I've reached a decision I either reach out to you or X you out completely. It's these traits about me that make it so goddamn hard for me to tolerate the two-faced bullshit. -__-

 That being said.. I have learned to accept that it's just the life in the military, I guess. I'm learning who to trust. There is a very small percentage of ladies I feel comfortable around (three to be exact). And the rest I just learn to live around. I do hope that the people who act like my friends are at least decent about me behind my back. If not, why are we even friends?

Bitching about Facebook while you're on Facebook.

L. O. L. Bitching about what other people put on Facebook is like complaining about what's on TV while holding the remote control. You can turn the TV off, or change the channel, or log out of Facebook, you queef.

"Yo. I'm gonna get on Facebook and bitch about Facebook."

Ugh. People like you make me want to slap myself. Now that's bad. I'm past the point of wanting to slap you. I need to slap my damn self for even reading that shit. Oh, and you want to delete your account? You say that every other day. After the third or fourth dramatic goodbye (which you never follow thru with because your annoying ass is right back on Facebook the next day) I just want to tell your ass to stay gone. Now you're just seeking attention. "I need attention. I need to feel wanted, so I'm going to cry that I'm leaving so people will tell me I must stay!"

(0__-)

If you're going to make a dramatic exit on a regular basis, at least make it believable. Lurk for a little bit and then slowly creep your way back into the conversation. Because you know you're not leaving. You know this.

Rude Assholes.

You know who you are! You're the sorry piece of shit who never has anything nice to say to anyone. You live in your little dark hole under whatever rock you call home, you slither out everyday and spit your venom at whoever can and you somehow think that you're untouchable? Well guess what douchebag, that kind of thing irritates me just a little bit and I will shove that shit right back in your face. Don't be surprised if I politely (or not so politely, depending on the mood I'm already in) tell you to eff off and take your sorry ass attitude somewhere else.

I'm not a mean person but I'm done dealing with negative people. It's healthier for me to express my feelings rather than to bottle them up, and since I'm more concerned with my personal health than your feelings.. well, you know. I'm sure you understand.

Depression

It pisses me off. Want to know why? Because it takes over my life without permission. It wears out it's welcome and refuses to leave. It won't let me enjoy my life. It rains on my parade every damn day. Silver lining? No, it's rust covered by cheap gray spray paint. That's what it is.

Screw you, depression. You go to hell. You go to hell and you die!

Okay, on a serious note, depression has it's issues. It's a sneaky little asshole that comes and goes as it pleases. Right now I feel trapped. I feel like I'm alone in a little dark hole and there's no light, no way out. And there's no end in sight. The funny thing about it is it has nothing to do with where I am or anything that has happened in my life. It's a mental state, and there's really nothing I can do about it on my own. I tell myself that it's temporary, I'll eventually emerge from the darkness and embrace the light that will shine upon my face. But right now, right here in this moment, life sucks.

Major depression affects approximately 15 million adults, and 80% of those are not being treated for it. Even scarier, 15% of those suffering from depression will kill themselves to escape it. By the year 2020, depression will the second most common health problem in the world, but it's treatable. Unfortunately, persistent ignorance and misperceptions of the disease by the public, and even some health providers, as a personal weakness or failing that can be willed or wished away leads to painful stigmatization and avoidance of the diagnosis by many of those affected. That is a sad reality of depression. I've experienced it. I've been too ashamed to admit it to most people I know, afraid that I would be judged or told to just get over. It's not that easy. If it were, take my word for it, everyone suffering would gladly get over it.

The bad times are bad, but the good times are great. I know that I will not let it beat me. I will place one foot in front of the other, I'll crawl if I have to, I'll drag myself out of the mud. I'll pull myself off the ground. My family deserves better and I deserve better. I'm angry at depression. It's taken the very essence of me and made me something I'm not. It has stolen my shine and my glow. It took my star and left in it's place burnt ashes. I can't let it take any more of me, because there's not much left anyway. I'm going to fight it and I'm going to win. I owe myself that much.

If you or someone you know is suffering from depression, don't ignore it. Get the help that is available to you. Don't be ashamed to talk to your doctor about it. You do deserve to be happy.

suicidehotlines.com

YourLifeYourVoice.org

APlaceOfHope.com

Stop trying and you'll get pregnant.

This is probably one of THE most incredibly stupid statements I have ever heard. How the HELL am I supposed to get pregnant if I stop trying?? You fucking moron.

Okay, no seriously, I get what you're trying to say. Stop stressing over it; Roll with it; It'll happen when it happens (no shit), but you know what? All of that is the wrong thing to say. It really is. When someone would give their left eyeball to become pregnant, we don't want to hear things like "Just let it happen" or "I did this and this, and that's how I got pregnant with my 3rd baby, so give it a try!" The last thing I want to hear is how you successfully got pregnant when I'm sitting over here struggling for years on top of years and have yet to conceive. Just be understanding, offer moral support and keep your unsolicited advice to yourself.

Does this seem harsh? Yes.. but trying to get pregnant with no success is a very emotional and sensitive subject for a woman. We are genuinely happy for you when you announce your great news! We want to hug you and wish you the absolute best. But there's a twinge of pain there, a hint of jealousy and sometimes we go home and we sob into our pillows. There's really no other way to describe the feeling besides.. it just really blows.

So please, next time your friend opens up to you and tells you how sad they are that they just can't seem to get a big fat positive (because if she does open up to you, you're special. She won't talk to just anyone about it), just listen. Suggest you go catch a movie to take her mind off of it. Hug her if you need to. Just don't tell her to relax, or to try some crazy herb or anything else for that matter.. Unless, of course, you're a fertility specialist. Or a miracle worker.

Have some heart. Realize this is a sensitive subject and just let her express herself. It's the only control she has.

Hypocrite.

Hyp-o-crite (hip-uh-krit)

Noun-

1. A person who pretends to have virtues, moral or religious beliefs, principles, etc., that he or she does not actually possess, especially a person whose actions belie stated beliefs.

2. A person who feigns some desirable or publicly approved attitude, especially one whose private life, opinions, or statements belie his or her public statements.

Everyone knows one. Nobody wants to be one but everyone IS one at some point in their life. It's just a matter of making yourself look like an ass in public for everyone to see, or being a little less in-your-face about it. I personally don't give a shit what kind of hypocrite you are, but trust and believe I'm going to bust your balls about it if you direct it towards me.

The thing about it is, no one gives a rats ass about your high and mighty attitude. If I call someone childish because they are acting childish, it makes you look stupid if you butt in and tell me I'm being childish for calling someone childish.. Do you not see the irony in that? Or are you really that clueless?

And you're kidding yourself if you think you're better than anyone. Everyone has flaws, some are just a little less prominent than others. Your breath stinks in the morning just like everyone else's. Your shit stinks just as bad as everyone else's. And guess what? Your personality sucks sometimes just like everyone else's can. Everyone has their moments.

(Note: If someone is a bad mother, a thief or an abuser.. you're better than them and you can brag about that. Because they suck. o_O) I digress...

If you're calling someone out for things you're guilty of, you're a hypocrite. If you judge someone for not being able to spell but misspell every other word, you're a hypocrite. If you're judging someone for their actions to cover up the fact that you're insecure in yours, I only have one piece of advice for you: Get over yourself. You look like a fool. Ya dig?